Amazed By His Grace

I am humbled and amazed at how God can take one small request, one desperate plea, and turn it into a thousand blessings.

Only days ago, I was pressed against tree bark, bleeding from the raw, open aperture of my heart. I was defeated, and rebellious, and I didn't even care that I didn't even care. I was even a little mad; I was mad that life was one long strand of suffering, and that it didn't matter how good I was or how humble I became, I was still going to be broken and bleeding, and there would always be more to take from me. I was disheartened, and tired, and quite frankly ready to bow my head.

But there were still sparks in my heart. Little sing-song notes of whimsy and hope. And there was a clear thought in my head: "Kara Emily, you are not upholding your promises. You promised God you would become the woman he wished you to be; you surrendered yourself to His plan, and you found freedom there.  You found freedom there. So stop chaining yourself to the outcomes of this world, and the everyday concerns of a broken society and the judgments of its broken people. Bind yourself to your word, the promises you made. Because beauty is there. Freedom is there. Everything you ache for can be found there."

And I woke up. I snapped out of it. Monday morning, I woke with Truth in my heart, and I moved forward. I began a new workout regimen, because my body needed to wake up, and I started reaching out to people for help, because I needed support. Friendships blossomed, simply because I took a heartbeat worth of time to water them. Laughter flowed from my lips, and I wanted to more; I craved communication and camaraderie and connection; I craved it, and I sought it, and I was blessed beyond abundance.

I came to God, crawled to him on chapped and wounded knees, and I asked him for His grace. I begged Him for grace, and he offered me new life. Each and every moment, He offers us new life. And I am ready to live. 

Becoming More: When I Feel Like So Much Less

"We are all far more broken and far more glorious than we can ever grasp" - Molly Franklin

The struggle to serve Him, to love Him with the same grace and faithfulness that He bestows upon me.

I have been drowning lately, losing myself in self-created waves of confusion, apathy, turmoil. I have lost my balance; lost touch with the vibrating, burgeoning light that has always been inside me. It's the reason you became my friend, smiled when we met, speak well of me behind my back. I am kind to others; I touch them with my compassion, stir them with my smile, and heal them with my words and my love.

Yet here I am, unable to find the same grace to bestow upon myself. And in the meanwhile, I drown.

Even amidst my current confusion and angst, I am aware I am made for something divine. Something brilliant and beautiful; and this pain is merely serving as a catalyst for my growth. He loves me enough to trust me with this suffering; to know even when I writhe in pain on the ground, I will not turn from Him. I will trust Him to heal me again, and create in me a new heart; one that will be more resilient to fear, and will continue to be a light for others who are afraid.

This blog needs to exist, because I am drowning. I can not remember the last time I have shared my words, placed them into your hands for a kiss. My creative mind is atrophying, and without it, I feel lost and disingenuous.

I want to share myself with you. I want to share this journey with you. I want to inspire you, and be inspired by you. I want to join hands in a collective tug of war against all the inauthentic lures of society and our weak, selfish hearts. I want to become more together; to infuse beauty into the landscape and pull forth regenerative water from the roots of this glorious and painful life.