Joy Comes in the Morning

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn." -Henry David Thoreau

Today felt like a miracle.

I woke with such joy in my heart, such passion to be alive and to move and to breathe. The last few months have involved me waking up, looking at the clock on my phone, and going back to sleep. Because I didn't care. Because there was seemingly nothing worth waking up for.

But today was a brand new experience. I ached to wake. I tried to fall back asleep, but my heart was beating too loud and my mind was too excited and my body was ready. Even though my last workout was the night before at 11 PM, I woke up and instantly put on my workout clothes. I let the dog out, and felt the hot Texas morning sun, and I just breathed in everything that was beautiful. I was still shocked that I was wide away at 9AM, after having been up so late. I was shocked that I wanted to do something.

I made my Shakeology and it tasted like heaven. I pressed play on day 8 of TurboFire and it felt. simply. amazing. It was almost an hour of constant movement, and by the time I was done, I felt as though I could change the world with a smile, with a touch. Everything I touched felt as though it were shimmering with light, and every thought felt divine and lovely.

I become afraid when happiness pursues me in such a way. I have become terrified of happiness, because it has proved to be such a fickle friend. At a very young age, I connected happiness with anxiety, which is a very sad realization. I remember thinking as a young girl, "If I am happy now, it means I will be devastated soon. My world must be falling apart."

I must redefine the connections I feel between happiness and fear. I must use my elation as a motivator to create a world in which I continuously seek the light, continuously become more and embrace more. How can I be afraid of anything, knowing I am made to survive everything. Nothing that is given to me is too much for me. In time, my sufferings have all turned to blessings. So what is there to fear? Further growth? I can always become more. I can always serve others with more grace, love myself with more humility, and honor God with more persistence, more passion.

There is nothing to fear, when I know who I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, when you already know the outcome. And the outcome is always beauty, it is always light.

Today. Today was a good day. And that's okay. I don't need to be afraid of these days. I can allow myself to embrace them and taste them and treasure them. Because even if more dark days come, there will always be light. And I will always pursue it. And there will always be others to love along the way.

Amazed By His Grace

I am humbled and amazed at how God can take one small request, one desperate plea, and turn it into a thousand blessings.

Only days ago, I was pressed against tree bark, bleeding from the raw, open aperture of my heart. I was defeated, and rebellious, and I didn't even care that I didn't even care. I was even a little mad; I was mad that life was one long strand of suffering, and that it didn't matter how good I was or how humble I became, I was still going to be broken and bleeding, and there would always be more to take from me. I was disheartened, and tired, and quite frankly ready to bow my head.

But there were still sparks in my heart. Little sing-song notes of whimsy and hope. And there was a clear thought in my head: "Kara Emily, you are not upholding your promises. You promised God you would become the woman he wished you to be; you surrendered yourself to His plan, and you found freedom there.  You found freedom there. So stop chaining yourself to the outcomes of this world, and the everyday concerns of a broken society and the judgments of its broken people. Bind yourself to your word, the promises you made. Because beauty is there. Freedom is there. Everything you ache for can be found there."

And I woke up. I snapped out of it. Monday morning, I woke with Truth in my heart, and I moved forward. I began a new workout regimen, because my body needed to wake up, and I started reaching out to people for help, because I needed support. Friendships blossomed, simply because I took a heartbeat worth of time to water them. Laughter flowed from my lips, and I wanted to more; I craved communication and camaraderie and connection; I craved it, and I sought it, and I was blessed beyond abundance.

I came to God, crawled to him on chapped and wounded knees, and I asked him for His grace. I begged Him for grace, and he offered me new life. Each and every moment, He offers us new life. And I am ready to live. 

Becoming More: When I Feel Like So Much Less

"We are all far more broken and far more glorious than we can ever grasp" - Molly Franklin

The struggle to serve Him, to love Him with the same grace and faithfulness that He bestows upon me.

I have been drowning lately, losing myself in self-created waves of confusion, apathy, turmoil. I have lost my balance; lost touch with the vibrating, burgeoning light that has always been inside me. It's the reason you became my friend, smiled when we met, speak well of me behind my back. I am kind to others; I touch them with my compassion, stir them with my smile, and heal them with my words and my love.

Yet here I am, unable to find the same grace to bestow upon myself. And in the meanwhile, I drown.

Even amidst my current confusion and angst, I am aware I am made for something divine. Something brilliant and beautiful; and this pain is merely serving as a catalyst for my growth. He loves me enough to trust me with this suffering; to know even when I writhe in pain on the ground, I will not turn from Him. I will trust Him to heal me again, and create in me a new heart; one that will be more resilient to fear, and will continue to be a light for others who are afraid.

This blog needs to exist, because I am drowning. I can not remember the last time I have shared my words, placed them into your hands for a kiss. My creative mind is atrophying, and without it, I feel lost and disingenuous.

I want to share myself with you. I want to share this journey with you. I want to inspire you, and be inspired by you. I want to join hands in a collective tug of war against all the inauthentic lures of society and our weak, selfish hearts. I want to become more together; to infuse beauty into the landscape and pull forth regenerative water from the roots of this glorious and painful life.