Joy Comes in the Morning

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aid, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn." -Henry David Thoreau

Today felt like a miracle.

I woke with such joy in my heart, such passion to be alive and to move and to breathe. The last few months have involved me waking up, looking at the clock on my phone, and going back to sleep. Because I didn't care. Because there was seemingly nothing worth waking up for.

But today was a brand new experience. I ached to wake. I tried to fall back asleep, but my heart was beating too loud and my mind was too excited and my body was ready. Even though my last workout was the night before at 11 PM, I woke up and instantly put on my workout clothes. I let the dog out, and felt the hot Texas morning sun, and I just breathed in everything that was beautiful. I was still shocked that I was wide away at 9AM, after having been up so late. I was shocked that I wanted to do something.

I made my Shakeology and it tasted like heaven. I pressed play on day 8 of TurboFire and it felt. simply. amazing. It was almost an hour of constant movement, and by the time I was done, I felt as though I could change the world with a smile, with a touch. Everything I touched felt as though it were shimmering with light, and every thought felt divine and lovely.

I become afraid when happiness pursues me in such a way. I have become terrified of happiness, because it has proved to be such a fickle friend. At a very young age, I connected happiness with anxiety, which is a very sad realization. I remember thinking as a young girl, "If I am happy now, it means I will be devastated soon. My world must be falling apart."

I must redefine the connections I feel between happiness and fear. I must use my elation as a motivator to create a world in which I continuously seek the light, continuously become more and embrace more. How can I be afraid of anything, knowing I am made to survive everything. Nothing that is given to me is too much for me. In time, my sufferings have all turned to blessings. So what is there to fear? Further growth? I can always become more. I can always serve others with more grace, love myself with more humility, and honor God with more persistence, more passion.

There is nothing to fear, when I know who I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, when you already know the outcome. And the outcome is always beauty, it is always light.

Today. Today was a good day. And that's okay. I don't need to be afraid of these days. I can allow myself to embrace them and taste them and treasure them. Because even if more dark days come, there will always be light. And I will always pursue it. And there will always be others to love along the way.